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Conard Cafe

By: Emma Marcella

Alright, contestants, who’s ready for a new game?! Introducing…Guess That Food!

While many coming-of-age films often poorly portray high school, the one thing they got right is the frightful school food. While the food itself isn’t exactly… savory, the quantity of the food in our Conard cafeteria is just straight-up depressing. As someone who is usually one of the first people in the cafeteria for breakfast in the morning, I can say that often I walk into line and there are hardly enough pre-packaged pancakes to feed a small class, much less a thousand plus students.


By seventh-period lunch, I rush to the cafeteria after the sixth-period bell has alerted me it’s time to run, in hopes of getting any decent food. I always thought each period got the same meal every day. However, it wasn’t until I went to get a snack during fourth-period lunch, that I realized that fourth period had about three times more variety than seventh. How is this fair? Why do I have to eat a dry hotdog, because there’s never any ketchup left by the seventh period, because the school couldn’t do simple math? It doesn’t take much to calculate how much food is needed to purchase, just simply some effort. Hey, it could even be a math problem in the next midterm! Because hey, if you can’t eat anything but a dry hotdog for lunch, at least you know the quadratic formula! Oh, and by the way, ORANGE JUICE DOES NOT COUNT AS A FRUIT! After enough plastic cylinders of sour orange concentrate, I can confidently say that school breakfast has ruined oranges for me. Okay okay, we may not have chewable fruit, but at least we have paper plates! Well sometimes…


Don’t even get me started on the four-in-one utensil pack, now I have a small rectangular cloth to spit my gum into, a crappy two-in-one spoon/fork, and the newest addition… a straw! I’m so happy they discontinued the spork pack with salt and pepper because it’s not like I wanted seasoning to go with my “burger.” At least the vegetarians at school won’t have to choose between a burger and a tuna sandwich, because the school got rid of the veggie burger! Well I mean even though we don’t have veggie-burgers anymore, at least we have boxes of hard raisins! Well, I guess I’ll give points to whoever came up with “chef’s choice” I’ll admit, it’s a pretty creative name for crappy leftovers no one wanted the week before. After a nice dry hotdog, my favorite thing to do is wash everything down with chocolate water, and I thought Tru Moo was the worst it could get. 


On a more serious note, I’d like to make it clear that the subpar quality of our Conard Cuisine has nothing to do with the cafeteria staff. Everyday I’m greeted with a warm “good morning”, and “have a great day!” It’s not their fault that our food distributors don’t know the difference between edible and bendable. 

If alcohol is supposed to stunt our brain growth, then I don’t even want to know what the school cheese is going to do. 



Just look at all the different colors it comes in!

Image Citations:

(1-6) XoXo Lunch Girl (an instagram account run by a Hall student)

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