Baabo the Interstellar Space Boy
By: Aidan Shea
The speed was intense. It was even more intense than the feeling in your bowels after eating the Chicken Chalupa from Taco Bell. It took a surveyor with a keen eye to spot Baabo traversing across the sky. For many, he was but a shooting star in the night sky. Physically, he was anything but, yet philosophically, Baabo was similar. He was a star that had once shined so brightly, yet his glory was whisked away from his grasp as soon as it began. He never let go of the conquest. Not when Slippy Jimmy tried to get him arrested for interstellar tax evasion. Not even when his son was born. He refused to be weak and care for another being. All that mattered was his conquest. This is but a snippet of the tale of Baabo, the interstellar space boy
Baabo was his name. Yet in legend, he was known as the interstellar space boy. He would traverse the stars in search of his holy grail. It had been decades since he had last beheld it in his grasp. This may cause you to question, “If he had been searching for this item for decades, why did they call him a boy?” Well, they call him a boy for the same reason they call Vladimir Putin, Vladdy Daddy. I am the narrator of this story, and I make the rules. He is a 35-year-old man who is called a boy. Fight me. (This is not a legitimate request, Aidan does not want to be fought)
Baabo had been moving at breakneck speed for a matter of minutes, yet he had already traveled the span of the Andromeda Galaxy. He managed such speed aboard his interstellar tricycle. His peddling in conduction with the technological genius of his children's tricycle caused such a feat. And before you even think it, yes, his calves are beautiful. Having seen them myself, I’d say that if I could either eradicate poverty or touch those beauties, I’d choose to touch his calves any day. Back on track, Baabo was close. He knew where to find his treasure. It had taken him years, yet he was so close. His mouth watered in anticipation. His mind was giddy. He had sacrificed so much for this moment. He didn't even show up to his own wedding, never once attended his child's recital, and never once paid his taxes (he had defeated Slippy Jimmy in mortal combat. No tax person ever tried to find him again). Baabo peddled a slight amount, his destination was a pearlescent planet. It appeared to glow in the light that emanated from within. He put on his X-ray glasses to pinpoint the location of the item. He took a quick back and forth along the horizons of the planet.
“BEEEEP." He spoke aloud.
The X-ray device didn't have a built-in sound alarm. He would have to pay for the deluxe version. Baabo didn't want to pay the extra ten dollars. Now he resorts to making the sounds himself.
Following the notification that his target was locked, Baabo moved in. He sped right up to the planet's surface, crash landing in a field of blue dust. He didn't care, he was hungry for glory. He jumped off the tricycle and bee-lined it to the location of the ping.
He ran for a number of minutes, and then he spotted it in the center of a crater made years before. He jumped into the crater, scooping it up in his arms
He had at last found it. The McRib.
- Master of Stories
(Again, we understand you may want to fight Aidan after having read this work. We ask that you please refrain)