DAMSEL NOT IN DISTRESS

Izzy Natchev

So, here I am dangling over a granite bench-filled pit in an art installation. Oh, how did my life ever come to this? I was just trying to get home after work when the next thing I knew I was face-down on the sidewalk with a sharp pain in the back of my head. Ugh, what kind of a villain can't even knock out their victims properly? No, what kind of a villain has a secret lair in an art installation? This is so weird.
To make matters worse, Superman - Superman - comes to rescue me. Like I wasn't in enough trouble already. Does he really think I can't rescue myself? I mean, I was captured by the lamest villain ever! I think I could do better.
So, he comes barging in, all, "Do not fear, citizen, for I, the great and supercilious Superman have come to save you from this villainous piece of trash."
And I was like, "Bro, the only idiot who needs saving here is the potted plant in the corner!" Of course, I would've actually said that had the moronic T. Terror not have the sense to gag me. How is that the one thing he does right?
By this point, the stereotypical superhero plot begins and Superman, after a half-hearted and epically failed attempt to rescue me, gets "captured" by T. Terror while he monologues about his evil plan and brags about having captured me (which was the most screwed-up kidnapping attempt I've ever heard of). Naturally, Superman is --well, Superman, so the trap for him doesn't hold and he breaks free. (Anyone else see this coming?) T. Terror freaks out and starts shooting him with steel bullets which (of course) have no effect on the Man of Steel. Did he seriously think that was going to work? Superman advances on the supervillain (does he even count as one?) and accidentally hits the lever connected to my bindings.
I plummet the ten feet to the bottom of the pit and roll to my feet. I could've been free twenty minutes ago if stupid Superman hadn't shown up.
Above me, my "hero" screams, "NO! I will avenge you citizen!"
Hey, idiot! I'm not dead!
He proceeds with beating up T. Terror. I can't exactly complain since the moron captured me, but considering their grudgematch is threatening to raze the compound, I want out of here now.
I rush to the exit, snatching up the potted plant that needs saving. Hey, somebody had to be the hero! On my way out, I hear T. Terror yelling, "NO! MY PLANT!"
Too little, too late, buddy. Go back to your playdate.

Conard High School's Premier Student Forum and News Organization

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